Change - again

Just about everyone I know would rather die than change something they believe.

That's too vague.

Let's say I believe I'm too fat. That can make sense if I look in the mirror and see somebody who looks like a sphere. But for an anorexic, when they look in the mirror they see somebody who looks like a stick.

The reason we say they are 'anorexic' isn't because they look like a stick. It's because they look like a stick and think that they are too fat AND they won't change what they believe.

So how do we react to this?

We call something like this a 'disease' and look for something to do to them to make them change. Probably some chemical we can put in a pill or an injection or a patch or a suppository.

Does it really make sense that an inert chemical can cause someone to have a specific idea? Isn't an 'idea' or a 'belief' more complex and specific than a single chemical?

So what can these 'drugs' really do? - other than slow down or speed up thinking?

If that's all they can do, then 'drugging' people just changes their ability to think - their 'thinking environment' - not their beliefs.

So 'drugs' can't 'cure their disease', although they may make it possible for them to think about it differently. Maybe they it makes them think more ssssllloooowwwwwlllllyyyyy. Maybe it makes them stop thinking at all. Or maybe it just makes them passive so we don't have to think about them at all. Or maybe - as my friend who knows these things says - they generally don't work.

But that's not the point.

The point is: if an anorexic didn't believe he/she was fat, she wouldn't be an anorexic. She'd be a skinny person who knew she was too skinny and would do something about it - like eat some more.

So how do you change a belief?

Take football for example. The team which wins consistently believes that they can win. Not only that, they believe they can win this game. Right now. If they think they can't, they always lose.

What makes them believe this?

It's pretty simple: they have a slogan, a mantra, a rallying cry, a whatever to repeat over and over again. So as long as they can keep telling to themselves they can win, they will win, they're going to win - then they believe they can, will and are going to win.

Is a belief anything more than something we keep repeating to ourselves?

What happens when we stop talking to ourselves about one specific belief? Doesn't the alcoholic or a smoker keep reminding himself that he needs a drink or a cigarette? What would happen if he - instead - reminded himself that he needs an ice cream cone? (Besides getting fat and maybe getting diabetes) Wouldn't he eventually go from being an alcoholic to an ice cream-aholic?

A belief is just a thought. It's not made out of stone or steel or even jello. It's 'mind stuff'. There's two kinds of 'mind stuff'. There are memories and there's 'what I'm thinking now'.

All you can do with a memory is either lose it or drag it out to 'think about it now'. Everything you do and experience is the 'what I'm thinking now' stuff. That's where the anorexic and the alcoholic and the smoker 'belief' exists.

There isn't any automated thought loader which pushes thoughts into your 'thinker' and makes you think them. You get to pick and choose.

Don't believe it? Close your eyes and try to count the thoughts which come up over the next 10 seconds.

If you're like I am, there were a lot of them. Ten, a hundred, I don't know. Just lots and lots of them. I'll bet you 'thought about' just a couple - maybe one or two. What happened to the rest of them? They're like the kids you didn't pick to be on your team: they just wandered off.

The stuff you and I believe - about life, goodness, and - especially - ourselves - are just these familiar little thoughts we keep repeating. And by repeating them, we think their real. And that's all a belief is.

So really, how hard is it to change a belief?

It's easy - if you want to and are brave enough to give it up.

Human Development - kind of

So somehow I went from wherever I was as a young guy to this worn out husk who had to deal with with raising six kids. Was nothing I planned to do, but, well, there it is.

That's not the point - it's just to give you my credentials, assert my authority, bolster my claims, etc etc.

This first point is that I'm writing from my experience - not text book theory or some other academic point of view [I have those also, but not about kids]

Here's the Second Point:

When a kid is just born, they don't do a lot and the way they interact is really different from how they are later on. They're kind of like little animals that just crawl or run around. They don't really argue about anything. Their complaints are very personal and immediate - hungry, wet, cold, lonesome, tired.

After a couple of years something happens. You've been going along saying things like: Please don't do that or Please do this - and almost getting used to the fact that they never really pay much attention and don't seem to remember what you said from one second to the next. But then the thing happens: the kid turns around and looks you straight in the eye and says - very firmly and usually pretty loudly - "NO"!

This is a major breakthrough.

The kid hasn't turned into a monster or become a 'Terrible Two' (as I was told by my mother, over and over again). The kid just now finally noticed that you're trying to get him (or her) to do something that wasn't what he wanted to do.

That's the point when you can finally start teaching the kid how to 'not get run over by a car' and 'to clean your plate' and 'to pick up your toys'. It won't work - at least not for the first 10 or 20 years - but you can now get started and be (relatively) happy with the knowledge that you're not just being ignored. You're being Actively ignored and - believe it or not - all of you talking, pleading, reasoning, and (most of all) the example you set is sinking into that little mind.

After mulling this over for a bunch of years - I've come to the conclusion that this is a pivotal point in all of our developments. It's the point where we realize that we live in a context over which we do not have total control and with which we must learn to interact.

And for a Third Point:

Lora (we're married and four of the kids are her fault) is a certified Montessori method pre-primary instructor. She went to school for a year, did a year internship, read all of Montessori's books and practiced on our kids. Turns out that's enough for her - she prefers ponies and dogs to humans.

Anyway, she has creds as well.

Montessori discovered - by observing kids - that kids go through various phases of development where they are really different. She called them sensitive periods and it's fascinating stuff.

But - to get to the point - there's one thing I wanted to write about here. It's the thing which happens when the fish in the classroom fish tank dies.

The pre-primary Montessori classes have kids in the 3 to 5/6 year range. They generally have a fish tank. At some time during the year one or more of the fish will die.

Here's where it gets interesting.

The kids come in and quickly divide into two groups.

The younger kids look at the fish and say 'the fish is dead' and then go do something.

The older kids look at the fish and say 'the fish is dead. I wonder why the fish died. Was the water too hot? Was it too cold? Did another fish kill it? Wasn't the food right? I think that ...'

You get the difference?

Before something changes, it's ok to just see the dead fish and register it as a fact.

After 'the change' we have to 'know Why'.

I think this is the origin of Why.

You should listen to some of the silly 'reasons' 5 and 6 year old kids come up with. Their logic is not all that bad, but the 'facts' they start from are pretty lame. But that makes sense because the don't have much experience.

So do that for a while - - - and then - if you're brave - listen to some of your friends and neighbors talking about stuff. Things like 'the problem with ... is ... because ...'

When I started listening to adults and comparing it with the stuff 5 and 6 year olds come up with, I got really upset. It's the same stuff!!!

I think everybody is acting like 6 year olds - including the guys who run the countries and big companies.

Doesn't that explain a lot of what's going on?

I'm telling you - the problem is the whole thing is being run by 6 year olds and that's why nothing works. The answer is . . .